Lexicographic order

Aging
When the mind remembers worse and the body remembers better.
AI
Algorithmic idiocy.
American Civil War (nineteenth century)
The Blue and the Gray.
American Civil War (twenty-first century)
The Blue and the Red.
American Mathematical Society
The home of genre mathematics.
Apparel
Raw material from which lint is produced.
Apple™
A morbid reminder of Turing's demise.
Atheist
The ant that doesn't know the ant colony.
Baseball
Better playing through chemistry.
Bell, Alexander Graham (1847 - 1922)
The man who made tele-marketing possible.
Better dead than red
Hating communist German walls and communist Romanian abortion bans.
Bibliometrics
The art of judging a book by its cover.
Birther
Person not recognizing the Sandwich Islands as part of the Union.
Branded goods
Frigidaire stoves and Hotpoint refrigerators.
Brexit
Abandoning the A4 paper and opting for the foolscap.
Business suit
A costume which makes the wearer's thought and speech become wooly.
Butyric acid
Ingredient in vomit and Hershey's chocolate.
Cell phone
Electronic monitoring device.
Charitable contribution to Israel
... gets you tax relief.
Charitable contribution to Palestine
... gets you arrested.
Clinton era
When a president's dishonesty went no further than his sexual peccadillos.
Commercial democracy
Features the very finest politicians that money can buy.
Commercial democracy - millennium edition
Selecting the one with the most money, not the most votes.
Commercial democracy - 2004 edition
Which Skull-and-Bones Yalie do you want?
Commercial democracy - 2008 edition
An end to the nepotism?
Commercial democracy - 2012 edition
Which Harvard man do you want?
Commercial democracy - 2016 edition
Which New Yorker do you want - realtor or senator?
Commercial democracy - 2020 edition
Which septuagenarian do you want?
Conspiracy theory
In Oliver Stone's "JFK", Jim Garrison's co-worker is Newman from "Seinfeld".
Couple's right to choose
Exercised at conception.
Culture wars
How to get turkeys voting for Thanksgiving.
Darwin, Charles (1809 - 1882)
Cambridge's most famous theology student.
Declaration of Independence
The pursuit of Happiness and merciless Indian Savages.
Defense of Marriage
Legislation drafted by divorced politicians.
Dell™
An Enron "E," and it doesn't rhyme with Heaven!
Developer
Turns soil into sprawl.
Dick Cheney Blues
Got drunk / Shot a guy /
Sent to the Big House Stayed in the White House
Driving
Something to do while you're talking on the phone.
Edison, Thomas Alva (1847 - 1931)
New Jersey's most famous applied physicist.
Einstein, Albert (1879 - 1955)
New Jersey's most famous theoretical physicist.
English orthography
If it gets past the smell-checker, it must be rite.
Entrepreneurship
A nation of shopkeepers [Napoleon Bonaparte].
Fast color
Slow to fade.
Fast food
Food that makes you want to fast.
Ferrari, Lexus, Mercedes, ...
Why are the best cars made by Axis Powers?
Fitness club
Where you take the elevator to reach the stair machines.
Five-hundred year flood
A natural disaster occuring every fifteen years.
Flyover country
Keeping the bi-coastals at a safe distance of 35,000ft.
Forward-looking statement
Wishful thinking.
Fossil fuel
Efficient long-term storage of solar energy.
Gerrymandering
How politicians choose their voters.
Give peace a chance
--- John Lennon (1969)
Give war a chance
--- George W. Bush (2007)
Hangover
The wrath of grapes [Anon, with apologies to John Steinbeck].
Heaven
French cooks and English police, Swiss engineers and Italian lovers.
Hell
English cooks and French police, Italian engineers and Swiss lovers.
Hermit
Head of a 1-person household.
Hilbert, David (1862 - 1943)
A mathematician who had problems.
History lesson
Your enemy's enemy is not your friend.
Holy roller
Semi-trailer plastered with pseudo-religious slogans.
Homo sapiens
The only species foolish enough to call itself "wise".
Housework
Sweeping away cobwebs and hanging out flypaper.
Human resources
Treating people like mineral resources.
Hypocrisy
The Vaseline® of political intercourse [Pieter-Dirk Uys].
"I" before "E", except after "C"
A weird rule.
Ignorance
The blissful state of mind in which you know all the answers.
Immigration laws
How Big Government interferes with the free movement of labor.
Inauguration Day 2005
Washington under lockdown to "Celebrate Freedom."
Inauguration Day 2009
When Cheney was wheeled away.
Inauguration Day 2013
Fake it wth Beyoncé!
Inauguration Day 2017
When "Don's Johns" needed a cover-up.
Inauguration Day 2021
Apprentice host told: You're fired!
IN GOD WE TRUST ...
... and that god is Mammon.
Iowa
Where "REPUBLICAN LEADER RANTS" wasn't always a complete sentence.
iPod™
Hearing aid trainer.
Israeli history
From lifeboat to gunboat.
Jeb Bush!
Slogan of Republicans in Florida and democrats in Slovakia.
Land of the free
Country with the world's highest incarceration rate.
Liberal
Left-wing in America and right-wing in Australia.
Logo
How much does Mr. Hilfiger pay you to advertise him?
Love
A temporary insanity curable by marriage [Ambrose Bierce].
Mayflower
One of America's first boatloads of illegal immigrants.
MDPI
Money Deposited? Publication Immediate!
Mean value
Fifty percent of the population are of below average intelligence.
Midwest
The region of the US comprising Normal, Illinois and Peculiar, Missouri.
Mortality
The spice of life.
National Rifle Association
Denying your Second Amendment right to have the militia well regulated.
National RPG Association
Defending your Second Amendment right to own rocket-propelled grenades.
Neo-con
However neo, still a con.
Numerical analysis
Trying to run analogue models on digital machines.
Obamacare
The nationwide version of Romneycare.
Optimist
A person who confidently believes that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
Peer review
A filter that is opaque to originality.
Pessimist
A person who very much fears that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
Police department
A union shop.
Pop culture
Knowing that Paris Hilton is not a hotel.
Pornography
It's not the teat, it's the tumidity [William Safire].
Presbyopia
An eye condition that makes Methodists appear blurry.
Probability theory
Doctrine that the universe contains almost nothing.
Prince Charles' job description
Wait for your mother to die (by the way, her mother lived to 100).
Princess Diana
Gave whole new meaning to the term "barf queen."
Rap
Neo-doggerel, à la McGonagall.
Reality show
Artificial entertainment.
Redundancy
Rice pilaf and apple cider bought and paid for with cash money from the ATM.
Republican
Left-wing in Spain and right-wing in America.
Rhyming dictionary
Connects copulation with population.
Science in the second millennium
A relentless quest for truth.
Science in the third millennium
A relentless quest for grant money.
September 11, 2001
When several thousand people died --- of malaria.
September 12, 2001
When several thousand people died --- of malaria.
Social media
Weapons of mass distraction.
South African history
From Botha to Thabo.
Sports teams
Eagles, Tigers, and other endangered species.
Stars and Stripes
Accessory used to decorate Japanese cars and trucks.
Star Trek
Their ongoing mission:
To boldly split infinitives no man has split before.
Student loan
The first step on the path to indentured servitude.
"Support our troops ..."
... and other government workers.
Swimming
Activity conducted in sewage or in dilute hydrochloric acid.
Text message
2 B R 0 2 B i.e. ? [William Shakespeare].
Think-tank scholar
Oxymoron.
Touch screen
A greasy picture.
Unborn child
Concept that makes sense to an undeceased corpse.
United States history
From George the Third to George the Forty-Third.
University bookstore
For the sale of print media, mainly T-shirts.
Values
What politicians profess when they don't have any idea.
Vegetarianism
It's OK to eat them if they don't belong to our kingdom.
Vienna Standard Mean Ocean Water
From the coast of Austria?
W
Put the pot in POTUS.
War on drugs
Prohibition Mark II.
War on terror
Someone got stung? Let's stir up the hornets' nest!
What SETI should be asking
Is there intelligent life on Earth?
What would Jesus drive?
A full-size pickup, like any self-respecting carpenter.
White is black
True statement from news reports on the 2001 Ashcroft confirmation hearings.
Words that George Carlin couldn't say on TV
Monosyllabic synonyms of defecate, micturate, impregnate, ...
WYSIWYG
What you see is what you get -- even if it isn't what you want.
Zero-emissions vehicle
Pollutes from the power plant instead of the tailpipe.
Zinbiel
How a topologist spells "Leibniz".

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